Are Parents the Sole Role Models for Marriage?

A Necessary Rethink for Today’s Youth

Many youngsters today explain delayed marriages—or the decision not to marry at all—by pointing to what they witnessed at home: parental conflicts, emotional distance, power struggles, and unhappy married lives. While this emotional response is understandable, the conclusion drawn from it lacks depth and wisdom.

Let us reflect through a simple analogy.

Teachers’ Performance and Personalities

Do students succeed in physics, chemistry, or mathematics by merely observing their teachers’ performance, personalities, attitudes, and character?

Or do they succeed because they study the subjects for hours, practice consistently, develop discipline, and master the required skills?

No student says: “My math teacher was harsh, so I gave up mathematics.”

Yet many say: “My parents’ marriage was unhappy, so I will give up marriage.”

This is not logic—it is misplaced causality. Most Parents Were Not Prepared Either

To fairly evaluate our parents’ marriages, we must first understand the context in which they lived, not judge them by today’s expectations.

Most parents:

• Carried deep emotional baggage, often unresolved trauma from their own childhoods
• Practiced Culture And Traditions (CAT) far more than Deen, where faith-based marital ethics and rights were minimal
• Faced extreme parental and in-law interference, a reality that unfortunately still continues in many households
• Never shared roles and responsibilities as a couple; duties were rigidly assigned by tradition, not discussion
• Had limited education, skills, and income, restricting emotional independence and problem-solving capacity
• Lived in a system where marriages with little or no dowry were highly vulnerable to harassment and even torture, especially at the hands of in-laws
• Had grandparents and parents acting as sole decision-makers for married children
• Experienced almost zero privacy as a couple—emotionally, physically, or psychologically
• Rarely saw divorce as an option due to “log kya kahenge”, resulting in women silently suffering for decades
• Entered marriage with no premarital terms, expectations, or discussions—everything was left to trust, fate, and endurance
• Lived in households where only one person earned, creating power imbalances and financial dependency

Given these realities, expecting ideal marriages from an untrained, constrained, and controlled generation is unrealistic.

Observation Is Not Education

Parents were examples, not educators of marriage.

Most of them:

• Were never taught emotional regulation
• Never learned communication or conflict-resolution skills
• Never understood marriage as a skill-based institution, not a blind emotional leap

So when marriages struggled, the reason was often lack of education and preparation, not lack of sincerity. Blaming marriage because untrained people struggled within it is like blaming engineering because someone never studied mathematics.

Zero Hours of Learning, Infinite Expectations

Even today:

• Years are spent on academic education
• Months are spent planning wedding events
• Almost zero structured hours are dedicated to learning:
  • Emotional intelligence
  • Conflict management
  • Rights and responsibilities
  • Communication under stress
  • Role-sharing and expectation alignment

Then we wonder why marriages collapse.

No skill improves without learning. No institution survives without preparation. Marriage is no exception. Parents’ Failure Does Not Invalidate Marriage

If parents could not build healthy marriages, it does not mean marriage is flawed. It means they too were never taught how to build one. Using parents as the only role model to decide whether marriage is worth pursuing is intellectually shallow.  It is equivalent to saying: “Because my parents struggled financially, I will never earn money.”

Marriage Is Learnable, Not Inherited

A successful marriage is not genetic. It is learned, practiced, and refined.

Just as:

• Poor teachers do not cancel education
• Weak coaches do not invalidate sports
• Bad drivers do not abolish cars

Similarly: Unprepared parents do not negate marriage.

The Real Question to Ask is:

Not: “Were my parents happy?” But: “What education, skills, preparation, and guidance am I willing to invest to build a better marriage?”

Avoiding marriage because of parental failure is not maturity. Learning what they never had access to is maturity.

An Islamic Perspective

Marriage in Islam is not a casual social arrangement; it is a sacred covenant (Mīthāqan Ghalīẓan), a responsibility (amanah), and an act of worship (‘ibādah).  Marriage does not fail people.

People fail marriage when they enter it without knowledge, preparation, and responsibility. Our grandparents and parents had never heard of premarital education or post-marital counseling. These concepts were largely absent from their social reality. Many entered marriage with sincerity and patience, but without structured learning, guidance, or skill development. Islam, however, never promoted ignorance.

The very first revelation was: “Read.” (Surah Al-‘Alaq 96:1)  The Qur’an repeatedly reminds: “Are those who know equal to those who do not know?” (Surah Az-Zumar 39:9)  And Allah commands: “Ask the people of knowledge if you do not know.” (Surah An-Nahl 16:43) These verses establish a timeless Islamic principle: No major responsibility should be undertaken without knowledge.

Marriage Requires Learning in Islam

The Prophet ﷺ taught: “Seeking knowledge is obligatory upon every Muslim.” (Ibn Mājah)

Marriage involves:

• Rights (ḥuqūq)
• Duties (wājibāt)
• Accountability before Allah
• Emotional, financial, and spiritual leadership

Entering such a responsibility without learning is not tawakkul—it is negligence.  True tawakkul means tying the camel first and then trusting Allah. Responsibility (Amanah) and Accountability

Allah says: “Indeed, hearing, sight, and heart—each of these will be questioned.” (Surah Al-Isrā’ 17:36)

• A husband will be questioned about his leadership.
• A wife will be questioned about her trust.
• Both will be questioned about justice, kindness, patience, and fulfillment of rights.

Islam does not reward good intentions without effort. It rewards responsible preparation followed by sincere action.

A Divine Opportunity for Today’s Youth

While previous generations lacked access, today’s youth are blessed with opportunity:

• Premarital education
• Marriage counseling
• Structured Islamic courses on rights and responsibilities
• Tools to learn communication, emotional balance, and conflict resolution

Ignoring these resources while claiming to follow Islam is a contradiction.

Islam calls believers to: “Prepare whatever you can.” (Surah Al-Anfāl 8:60) Preparation is not optional—it is obedience.

The Islamic Choice Before This Generation

Not: “My parents struggled, so marriage is dangerous.”

But: “They struggled without knowledge; I will prepare with knowledge.”

Avoiding marriage out of fear is not ḥikmah (wisdom).  Learning what Allah expects before entering marriage is ḥikmah.

Concluding Reflection

“Parents were not taught marriage. Children are not taught marriage.
So failure repeats—mistaken as fate. Islam never blamed fate for what knowledge could have prevented.”

Marriage, when entered with knowledge, preparation, and responsibility, becomes:

• A source of sukūn (tranquility)
• A path to raḥmah (mercy)
• A means of drawing closer to Allah

But when entered blindly, it becomes a test unprepared souls struggle to carry. The youth of today are not accountable for what their parents did not know.  They are accountable for what they choose to learn today.

“Allah does not change the condition of a people until they change what is within themselves.” (Qur’an 13:11)
Marriage education is part of that change.