Why Good Proposals Are So Hard to Find Today
A Return to the Sunnah Perspective on Marriage and Simplicity.
The Silent Struggle of Today’s Muslim Families
Across countless Muslim homes today, a quiet anxiety looms — the search for a righteous spouse has become one of the most stressful journeys for both parents and youth. Families pray, search, wait, and often despair as proposals fall through or expectations clash. What was once a simple, faith-based process guided by elders and dua has now become an emotionally draining pursuit tangled with status, beauty, degrees, and dollars.
Every parent wishes to find the best match for their child, and every young person dreams of a partner who will bring peace and companionship. Yet, the very process that should be an act of ‘ibadah’ (worship) has turned into an exhausting social exercise. So what really went wrong? And how do we return to the simplicity that Islam taught us?
This article explores the essence of suitability (kafa’ah) through the lens of Islamic guidance and practical wisdom.
Ten Critical Preferences for a Boy (Prospective Groom)
Every family desires a stable, responsible, and God-conscious man for their daughter. However, preferences must be realistic and prioritised with wisdom.
1. Strong Deen (Faith and Taqwa)
The foremost quality. A man who prays regularly, avoids haram income, fears Allah, and strives to live by the Qur’an and Sunnah is the foundation of a righteous marriage.
Prophet ﷺ said: “When someone whose religion and character pleases you, comes to you (with a proposal), then marry him.” (Tirmidhi 1084)
2. Good Akhlaaq (Character and Conduct)
How he treats people, especially parents, women, servants, and those under his care, shows his inner character.
A good-hearted, respectful, and humble man sustains harmony in marriage.
3. Halal and Stable Source of Income
He must earn through lawful means — free from riba (interest), fraud, or deceit.
Stability and responsibility in financial matters reflect maturity and sincerity in fulfilling marital obligations.
4. Compatible Mindset and Maturity
His emotional intelligence, ability to handle conflict calmly, and willingness to communicate matter deeply for long-term peace.
Compatibility in thinking, goals, and Islamic worldview outweighs superficial status.
5. Family Background and Upbringing
A man raised with Islamic values and respect for elders and women usually reflects the same in his married life.
His parents’ conduct often mirrors the environment he will create.
6. Respect for Women and Boundaries
He should understand the rights of a wife, avoid controlling or dominating behavior, and be capable of empathy and partnership.
7. Health and Physical Well-being
Both mental and physical health are important for fulfilling marital responsibilities and maintaining emotional balance.
8. Educational and Intellectual Balance
While education is valuable, what matters more is ‘Ilm (knowledge that leads to action). A balanced person values both worldly and religious learning.
9. Moderate Lifestyle (Not Extravagant or Miserly)
He should avoid wastefulness, value simplicity, and appreciate Sunnah-based living rather than being driven by materialism or status.
10. Readiness for Marriage (Responsibility & Niyyah)
- His intention should be sincere — to build a family based on deen, mercy, and companionship — not for social status, lust, or convenience.
Top 3 Shortlisted Preferences
- Deen and Taqwa (Religious Commitment)
→ The single most vital criterion. A man’s connection with Allah determines how he treats his wife, fulfills rights, and stays loyal. - Good Akhlaaq (Character and Conduct)
→ Faith without good manners is incomplete. Kindness, patience, and humility define the real quality of a husband. - Halal and Responsible Livelihood
→ A man earning lawfully and managing finances responsibly ensures stability, dignity, and barakah in the household.
Ten Critical Preferences for a Girl (Prospective Bride)
Just as a woman seeks a righteous man, Islam teaches that a man must also seek a righteous woman who brings peace, faith, and balance into the home.
Strong Deen (Faith and Taqwa)
- The Prophet ﷺ said:
“A woman is married for four things: her wealth, her lineage, her beauty, and her religion. Choose the religious one, and you will prosper.” (Bukhari & Muslim) - Her commitment to salah, hijab, modesty, and halal living is the foundation of a blessed marriage.
- The Prophet ﷺ said:
Good Character and Manners (Akhlaaq)
- A woman who is kind, respectful, forgiving, and patient contributes to a peaceful home.
- The Prophet ﷺ was known to value gentle and noble character above all else.
Modesty (Haya)
- A woman with modesty in speech, dress, and behavior possesses a beauty that earns the pleasure of Allah and the respect of her husband.
Obedience to Allah and Respect for Family Structure
- She understands the Islamic balance in marriage — fulfilling her duties towards Allah, her husband, and her family without arrogance or oppression.
Chastity and Purity of Intent
- Moral integrity and sincerity in her intention for marriage — not materialism, status, or show — indicate a pure heart.
Compatibility in Deen, Values, and Lifestyle
- Shared beliefs, priorities, and approach to life ensure emotional, intellectual, and spiritual harmony.
Good Relationship with Her Parents
- A woman who treats her parents with love and respect is likely to treat her husband with similar kindness and obedience.
Emotional Stability and Maturity
- Marriage requires patience, communication, and understanding. Emotional maturity helps her handle challenges with grace.
Willingness for Simplicity and Sunnah Lifestyle
- A bride who values contentment, avoids extravagance, and believes in Sunnah simplicity will bring peace and barakah to the home.
Health and Physical Well-being
- A woman with good health, hygiene, and energy can better fulfill her roles with vitality and positivity, ensuring a balanced married life.
Top 3 Shortlisted Preferences
- Deen and Taqwa (Religious Commitment)
→ Her faith defines her priorities, choices, and approach to life — ensuring the marriage revolves around Allah’s pleasure. - Good Akhlaaq (Character and Manners)
→ Beauty fades, but character remains. A kind-hearted, gentle, and respectful woman nurtures a loving family environment. - Modesty (Haya)
→ Modesty is the essence of feminine dignity in Islam. It safeguards her heart, her marriage, and the family’s honor.
“And among His signs is that He created for you mates from among yourselves, that you may find tranquillity in them; and He placed between you affection and mercy.”* (Surah Ar-Rum 30:21)
The Current Crisis — Why Good Proposals Are Hard to Find
The difficulty in finding suitable matches today is not because righteous boys or girls no longer exist. It is because the filters we use have shifted from deen and character to degrees, designations, and displays. Social media has distorted reality, turning marriage into a marketplace of appearances rather than values. Parents compare, youth hesitate, and genuine proposals are rejected for trivial reasons.
Ten Modern Filters That Complicate Marriages
1. Financial Status as a Measure of Worth
Families often focus on jobs, salaries, and material comfort. Parents proudly list professions — IT, engineer, doctor, or “settled abroad” — as the top qualifications.
While financial stability is important, wealth is not a measure of piety. A man earning modestly through halal means may bring more barakah than a millionaire earning haram.
2. Education Becomes a Trophy
Degrees and designations have replaced the heart and deen as the core of decision-making. Families compare résumés instead of values.
But academic intelligence does not always translate into emotional intelligence — the true glue of marriage.
3. Caste and Community Barriers
Despite the Qur’an’s clear message that the most honoured in the sight of Allah is the most righteous, many still reject proposals based on caste, language, or sub-sect.
This cultural barrier alone has shattered thousands of suitable proposals — delaying marriages for no Islamic reason.
4. Unrealistic Beauty Standards
Fair, tall, slim — the silent checklist that haunts proposals. Social media has deepened this obsession, creating an illusion that perfection equals happiness.
Yet, the Prophet ﷺ reminded us that true beauty lies in a heart that remembers Allah.
5. The Dowry and Wedding Display Trap
Extravagance has replaced barakah. Lavish halls, gold demands, and competitive décor have turned nikah into a financial burden.
Many righteous young men hesitate to propose, fearing social pressure and unrealistic expectations. This cultural disease has distanced countless hearts ready for simple marriage.
6. Social Status and Prestige
Families today seek “equal status” — comparing houses, professions, and family reputation before even discussing compatibility.
But in the sight of Allah, piety outweighs pedigree. A humble, God-fearing family often carries more peace than a proud, affluent one.
7. Over-Control and Fear of Judgement
Parents often carry the burden of “log kya kahenge” (what will people say). Proposals are rejected to protect family image rather than assess the person’s character.
This social fear has silenced many good decisions, leaving hearts restless and timelines delayed.
8. Fear of Adjustment
Both genders fear losing comfort — job, city, or independence. Marriage, once seen as a step towards stability, now feels like a risk.
Yet, life was never meant to be without adjustment. Compromise, when done for Allah’s sake, becomes an act of worship.
9. Influence of Social Media
Social media has painted a false picture of perfect couples, luxury homes, and effortless love. Youth begin expecting fairy-tale marriages instead of reality-based companionship built on patience and prayer.
Unreal expectations breed disappointment.
10. Fear of Divorce and Trust Deficit
With rising cases of divorce, families over-analyse every proposal, fearing a wrong decision. While caution is wise, over-caution often leads to paralysis — where no one seems “good enough.”
The Prophet ﷺ said: *“If there comes to you one whose religion and character please you, then marry him. If you do not, there will be fitnah (trial) and widespread corruption on earth.”* (Tirmidhi 1084)
The Consequences of Misplaced Priorities
When marriages are delayed or rejected for superficial reasons, both families and societies suffer. Faith weakens, temptation rises, and depression follows. Many young people lose hope or fall into haram relationships. The simplicity of the Sunnah has been buried under cultural pride, while genuine compatibility rooted in taqwa is overlooked.
Steps to Simplify the Marriage Process
- Revive the concept of deen and character as the top priority.
- Avoid unnecessary conditions and luxury demands.
- Encourage open, respectful communication between families.
- Seek guidance through Istikhara and consultation.
- Promote premarital workshops to prepare youth mentally and spiritually.
- Support simple Sunnah weddings and community initiatives.
- Reject social comparison and embrace contentment.
- Trust Allah’s decree — good matches come with sincere intention.
- Involve elders as guides, not decision-makers.
- Create community networks for responsible matchmaking.
True change begins when we align our intentions with the Qur’an and Sunnah. A righteous spouse is not found through endless searching, but through sincere du’a, simplicity, and trust in Allah’s wisdom. Let us make marriage a path to tranquillity, not a test of pride.
Absolutely true
Jazakallah Khairan for your feedback.